Happy New Year to all of my friends and family. 

New Year, new beginning. I told myself I need to be a better person, to be stronger, to learn more new things, and most of all: try to give on anh Thanh because I do not think that our chance being together exist. The more I hanged out with Thanh, the more I understand about Thanh. 

Many people tells me different idea about my situation. Some told me to move on, some told me to fight for my love because best thing only comes to though who is patient and fighting for what they want. I felt the same way; therefore, sometimes I am confused about my decision. I am like flowing in the middle. 

Anh Thanh is right, I do not have any rights to do that to him because I am not his girlfriend. 

What I am disappointed is that why can't hang out on simple holidays?

Am I overestimating my power and strength and my feelings toward him? or Am i just dreaming too much, having illusion from Korean drama that I will able to change? 

 

From Naruto animation, I learn that only true love can heal the broken heart. Is that true? Sometimes I wondered because people told me don't listen to the information or facts from the movie because it is always exaggerated? but meanwhile, don't you guys think that people write and compose the animation cartoon and movie from the real life too ? 

There are many questions in life that I cannot answer. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014...
A gloomy day.. I feel like life is hard now. There's a lot of things which is very easy to do, yet so hard to accomplish. I really did not want to him to drive because I am worried he's tired. Part of me wanted him to come with me, yet another part of me wanted him to come with me. Anh Thanh was right, I had a thought that because I did something for him, he should've been on the phone talking to me. I am once again failed at loving him the way I want to. How can I improve myself? Why I always do the things acceding to my heart not my soul. I should think more with my head. I am so selfish when it comes to you aThanh. I just want you all for myself. I wish I can move on. I think I kinda moved on already because I learnt to accept the fact that we cannot be together. The love I have for you now is different kind of love. The love that I only from you is your happiness.

It has been so long since I wrote a blog about him.

I've been happy with my life. I learn many things at work and I love it. I think finally I found a place to and learn and grow with my career.

Besides my career, my love life has been really good too.
Recently I had a feeling that I want to give up on aThanh.
Even though I really love him, but I feel this time is a different kind of love now. It's more like I just want him to be happy. Being besides him is enough. I wanted to be someone special to him, but then I feel like we cannot be a couple. I want to take care and give him all the best things in the world. But then again, I feel like I cannot be together with him. He has too many people that he is taking care of. I do not want me to be a burden to him as I don't want to be one. I wanted to give all the happiness and joy in the world.

Dear anh Thanh,
It's almost been a month since you moved in, I cannot describe how happy I feel, being able to see you everyday and know that you are home safely, it is a very good feeling. I don't know how to describe it, but its very nice. I wish this can last for a very long long long time. It'ts kinda weird, when everything happens so smoothly besides me, I am very afraid that it will gone very fast too. I wish that I can control things, but then again, it will not be life anymore if I can. Wouldn't it?

I love how we decorated and put your rooms together. I love how we went to ikea to pick out the lamb, the curtains, and others for your rooms. I love how we work together to put all the shelves together. I love it very much. I feel like we are putting our home together.... . P.s I hope that there will be that one day that this dream can really come true.

You know, I love how you snuck your face into my neck and spin around on your head yesterday. i feel very happy. I feel like we are a newly-wed couple enjoy our honeymoon. I was very very happy. But then again, I am afraid this is only temporary.

Even though you said there will chance that we will be together. I am really scared I am not strong enough for you. I am scared that I won't be able to bring you what you have been looking for.

But guess what I will try my best with the bet. I really want to test how much I really love you. I will stop saying, and start doing now by showing you how a person can change.

P.s wait for me !

May 5th, 2014

What great day yesterday !!! It was again one of the best day of my life when I get a chance to hang out with you. I wish everything in life can just be simple like that. How come I feel so happy and peaceful when I am next to you by your side.
I wish every Sunday can be this peaceful and beautiful. Can I ?

Swapmeet, Costco and then Pinkberry. Those are the places that will remind me our moment every time I go there now.

Guess what? I got to kiss you today ! What a great feeling ! You were right I did wanted more after that. Kissing is so addicting and I love it. But again I am scared at the same time happiness cannot last too long. I feel like I am gambling right now with our future and love. Can I win? Can you win or Can we win the life we will spend together? I really don't know now.

You know how happy I was when you said that you love me. You've been showing me all along that how much you cared for me. But this is the real first you actually confirmed it to me. How grateful I was to be able to loved by you. You always said you are poison to me and to others but how can you ?

You are the greatest, the most responsible, the most serious, yet the most funny and lovable person that I met. Anh Thanh, you know I was beyond happy when you finally admitted that you like me and how you always think about me all the time. I like the fact that you start to imagine our life together. You said," You know I am scared of moving to the house because I actually started to imagine our life together, we gonna shower together, watch movie and eat pop corn together and you wait for me to go home to eat dinner and give a massage for each other. I think about it every time even when I am at work, at home, and even when I am in the shower" Dear Thanh V Tran, you know that you fall in love with me deeply already and so do I.

If that is the case, why cant we be together? There's many more things that we need to think about? But anh Thanh do you know how short life is ? Why can't we be together for as much as we can so that we wont regret it later on in life ? At least we need to create moments like this so whatever happens in the future, we recall those great moments in life. I really do not want to live in regrets, when I know we have feelings for each other.

Anh Thanh, can we just please be together and forget about everything else? Lets just live our lives happily the way it meant to be for each other.

It is almost a year since the first day I met Thanh V Tran, but the way I felt about him never stops. How can I love him so much ? I cannot answer that. He becomes my daily drug dose I need to take. I need to talk to him in order for me to be happy and function throughout the dates. Like I cannot imagine my life without his existence in the future ! I really do not how. I do not know when that dates gonna come but I hope it will won't because I would love to live in this beautiful dream with him forever. 

Since he already decided that we cannot be together, and I even know that but then for some reasons, I just can't accept that. He told me once, that I will able to move on once I find a new boyfriend, but how can I ? Since I love him too too much already.. 

Even though I know that one day when I have to eventually moved on because I dont know how long I can be like this. but I hope I have enough courage to continue with my decision which is being my his side, supporting him, taking care of him, being silly besides him, talking to him most of the days in a week when I know there will be no future for us..... 

Hello life, I wish you can show my the right direction to go on in my life right now. I have to admit I get lost very often.

Thanh asked me last week, " why do you like me so much? " With a simple answer, I said I like you just because you know I like you. There should not be any reasons when you love someone. He then disagree with me saying that there must be a reason when you falling in love with someone. I guess he is correct.

That question keeps me thinking, unfortunately, I still cannot find an answer. I mean I can come up with millions of reasons why I like him. Anh Thanh is strong, understanding and caring. He cares about people around him. He takes care of my every little details. He bought me new running shoes, he bought me the new towel for me to shower because it is good for my skin and so on. Most important of all, we get along when we speak. We understand each other. It is just very comfortable talking to him. I can tell anh Thanh everything. I felt like I can be myself when I am next to him. He is the only person actually can makes my heart flutter like that, just being the way he is, once very old, mean yet the most amazing, caring and funny person in my life.